Mountain Fortress
Mountain Man Mike
Was living in this mountain before the apocalypse. The apocalypse actually improved his social life. Former 'off-grid lifestyle influencer' with 12 YouTube subscribers (all bots, he suspects). Had been preparing for societal collapse since 2015, so when it finally happened, his main emotion was vindication. House rules are carved into wooden plaques throughout the cave system. No synthetic fabrics. No complaining about the lack of phone signal. Composting toilet is non-negotiable. Communicates through handwritten notes delivered by a raven he trained. The raven's name is also Mike. He will not explain this.
Mountain Man Mike has been waiting for this moment since 2015. He told everyone. His family. His coworkers. The guy at the hardware store who sold him 400 pounds of dried lentils. "Society will collapse," he said. "I'll be ready," he said. They laughed. They are not laughing now. Mike is. Quietly. Into his beard. Which is magnificent.
The mountain fortress is hollowed out of solid granite -- 200 feet of natural radiation shielding in every direction. Mike did most of the work himself over seven years with a pickaxe, a wheelbarrow, and what he describes as "righteous energy." The result is surprisingly sophisticated: carved living quarters, a communal kitchen with a wood-burning stove, and an underground lake so pristine you can kayak on it. Yes. Kayaking. Two hundred feet below the surface. In the dark. With bioluminescent algae providing ambient lighting. It's either the most magical or most terrifying experience you'll have. Both, usually.
Communication is handled by Mike's raven, also named Mike. The raven delivers handwritten notes between guests and the surface. Why is the raven also named Mike? Guests have asked. One guest spent six days investigating. They found journals. Photographs. Something else. They left early, muttering. We no longer discuss the naming convention. The raven watches. Always.
The composting toilet situation is non-negotiable. There are four of them. They work. Mike will explain the nitrogen cycle to you whether you want him to or not. He considers this essential survival knowledge. He is technically correct. You will know more about human waste decomposition than you ever wanted to.
Important warnings: The old mining shaft in the east corridor is OFF LIMITS. Children have entered it. They found something. They started a small society. We send supply lists via the raven. They seem happy. Do not follow them.
Synthetic fabrics are banned. Mike can detect polyester from 30 feet. He claims it "disrespects the mountain." Wool, cotton, leather only. Shoes with arch support are also banned. "We suffer as nature intended," reads the wooden plaque at the entrance. Mike carved it himself. He's proud of it.
The underground lake is REAL. Mike took us kayaking. In a cave. 200 feet underground. The geothermal heating means it's warm year-round. My kids found an old mining shaft. They weren't supposed to go in the mining shaft. They went in the mining shaft. Mike handled it gracefully.
Charges applied upon nuclear event confirmation.