Cell Block Luxury Suites
Former Warden Walsh
34 years in corrections. Planned to retire. Then the world ended. Stayed. Best decision ever. Pre-Event: Prison warden who took the job VERY seriously. Post-Event: Same but happier. Finally has a facility that runs EXACTLY how he wants. No escapes. No riots. No problems. House rules are EXTENSIVE. Posted everywhere. Enforced cheerfully. Treats guests like minimum-security inmates (affectionately). Schedules are non-negotiable. Meals are...institutional. He's proud of them. Messages include: cell assignments, rule reminders, yard schedules. Signs off with inmate number. Your inmate number. He assigns them. For fun.
The prisoners left during The Event. Former Warden Walsh stayed. He finally got his dream: a quiet, orderly facility.
Each 'suite' is a former cell. 8x10 feet. Toilet included. Sink combo. Steel bed frame. Walsh calls them 'minimalist luxury.' Previous guests call them 'cells.' Both are correct.
Meals served through food slots. Yard time is 2-4 PM daily. Lockdown is 9 PM (he's flexible on weekends). The irony is not lost on guests. The irony is very lost on Walsh. He's living his best life.
Security is EXCELLENT. Nobody getting in here without permission. Nobody getting out either without permission. Walsh has the keys. All of them. He jingles when he walks.
Guard towers manned. Spotlights functional. Barbed wire fresh. This is the safest you'll ever feel in a prison. Probably.
I'm paying to stay in a prison cell. I chose this. I CHOSE this. And you know what? It's the safest I've felt since The Event. Guard towers manned. Spotlights working. Barbed wire fresh. Walsh does headcounts four times a day. He's never lost a guest. He says this with the pride of a man who has found his calling. The food is institutional. Walsh is proud of it. It's fine. It's all fine.
My 'suite' is 8x10 feet. There's a toilet three feet from my bed. Meals come through a slot. Yard time is 2-4 PM. Lockdown at 9. Walsh assigned me inmate number 4471 and called it 'your fun little nickname.' The irony is suffocating. The security is impeccable. Nobody's getting in here. Nobody's getting out, either. I asked about early checkout. Walsh jingled his keys and smiled.
My partner and I booked a 'couples getaway.' Walsh put us in separate cell blocks. For 'security.' We communicated through the yard fence during our 2-hour window. He called it 'visitation.' We are not inmates. He disagrees. He showed us the paperwork. There IS paperwork. He created it. With a stamp and everything. Two stars because the man committed to the bit harder than anyone I've ever met.
Charges applied upon nuclear event confirmation.